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The D Word

The D Word... it’s been nearly a year since my little peanut went to heaven and I haven’t been able to use this word. For along time I thought mat maybe this meant I was in denial or something. But my therapist said it’ll come naturally one day and reminded me once again that I need to give myself a little grace. So I went with that. After all she is the one with a bunch of letters after her name making her the smarter one between the two of us..

There’s been times of course when I talk to myself in my head and that D word comes out fluently. In those times, I almost get angry at myself. I’m angry because I can’t understand why I would think those words but at the same time why I can’t accept the words. Why can’t I just say it? I don’t want it to be true. Maybe it really does mean that there is some part of me in denial that it all happened.

Throughout this year I’ve learned the cycle of grief is a wheel that never stops turning. Actually it more than a wheel. . . it’s like one of those heavy, silver balls in a pinball machine. It never stops being thrown around It can change directions with the flick of a finger. It goes down the hole and disappears, only to get ready to be shot back out of the shoot with full power.

Anyways-where was I? Oh yeah... the D word. Yesterday I was out to coffee meeting with a new friend to go over some ideas for Oliver’s Purpose.... and then it just happened.... I finally said the D word.

To be honest saying those words out loud shook me I felt so many feelings at one time and my brain was confused. Relived. Ashamed. Comforted. Angry. Stunned. Distant.

Clearly I’m not ready to put that word down on paper nor do I think I’ll be using it anytime soon. However the one thing I do know is that I’ll just need to continue to give myself a little grace and trust in the Lord’s plan for me.

“You know what I am going to say even before I say it, Lord.”
Psalms‬ ‭139:4‬ ‭


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